Manky Manila, Hobbits & Hookers

So after seeing a friends recent photo of meeting Michael Palin on the train to London I thought it was about time to write up the Philippines journey and where better to do it than on the train to London, alas no Michael Palin!

Sometimes in life you have brilliant ideas and sometimes, not so brilliant – Manila was one of those not so brilliant ones. Where do I start? Apart from the entire city smelling of raw sewage and horse shit, which trust me once that smell is up your nose it doesn’t come out for hours, we were staying in the mankiest part of the city and on top of that you couldn’t throw a ping pong ball without hitting a hooker…many of which were guests come breakfast time sitting across the table from their rotund, balding man friends. I swear it was the hotels idea of a joke when the music they played was “Someday my Prince will come” there was a communal sigh as they all looked across the table to the said man friends shovelling in their bacon and eggs.

So, we decided to leave the city behind for the day to give our lungs a rest from being infested and off to the volcano at Taal.

You have a lovely relaxing boat ride across the lake then walk or get a horse to the top of the volcano…so the guide book said. We wondered why there was a big plastic sheet in the boat when we climbed in and then it all became very apparent as we sped across the water, it was like a bloody log flume all the way across. 25 minutes later and soaked to the skin, the dye from my Indian dress now imprinted all over my legs and we’re off. Would you like a horse to the top of the volcano, looking at the poor horses no that’s fine we’ll walk. So off we go, midday, up the volcanic sand in flip flops…yes I know you don’t have to say anything! So, 45 minutes & 3.5 miles later we’re at the top. My animal principles fully intact, less can be said about my horse shit covered crocs! Never mind, I’m sure the log flume ride back will clean them less can be said about my Indian stained legs that will have to take a bit of a scrub when we make it back to the shit-hole. And it did take a bit of a scrub – 3 showers to be exact and I doubt my bra will ever be the same again.

Out for a beer asking the reception where is ok to go…ie no prostitutes, “no, no prostitutes around here” err I think you might want to look in your breakfast room anyway we got the directions, which in reality should have gone:

“follow the procession of cockroaches, passed the dead rat, step over the concrete blocks & steel girders & heaven help you if you have to cross a main road, even the green man runs instead of walking”

We arrived at the bar, Ok so not the worst but by no means the best so Richard says “Swallow up & we’ll leave” I’m guessing thats not the first time that’s been said in here!

I have somewhere else for us to go its called the “Hobbit House” – now the name should have given it away but not to Richard, in we go through the large round wooden door and over to the bar. Now, I’m not sure if anyone else does this but Richard likes to have a look at the bottle before choosing a beer – So off he goes choosing a couple of beers asking the girl if he could see the bottles first, he still didn’t quite get it as I rolled my eyes saying “seriously, you couldn’t have picked another one? It had to be the one on the highest shelf!”, “What for?” was the reply as the girls head whizzes passed the top of the bar & then the penny dropped…”I thought she was sitting on a seat when I asked her!” So as she whizzed passed, did you think she was on a mobility scooter???? I do wonder sometimes.

Oh joy, back to the Best Western “No hookers here” hotel only to be woken up at 4am from the antics going on through the adjoining door – give me strength – time to make a move to the beach tomorrow.

On the taxi ride to the airport the driver asks us where we’re going to “we’re off to Boracay” “ahh its closing” he happily informs us. “what do you mean its closing?” “ the island is closing, as in closed” Well it better bloody not close in the next 3 weeks as I’m not coming back here a minute earlier than I have to (yes we’re booked for a couple of nights before we go home).

Off to Boracay we go, and apart from their welcoming sign of the Most Wanted Murderers & Kidnappers I can completely understand why they are closing it – the roads are falling to bits and they are wedging hotels and bars into alleyways getting ever closer to the beachfront. Aside from that we have a lovely hotel overlooking the sea, no dead rates and no smell of horse shit…happy days!

Now there are 3 things that are everywhere on this island…Sea food, Garlic & hair braiding, OK so I’m failing on all 3 – I’m a veggie with a garlic allergy & ½ a shaved head however, it still doesn’t stop them asking, “are you kidding I’d look like something out of the Flintstones if your plaits come anywhere near me”.

This is definitely needed though after Manila, Sunshine, Sunbathing & Diving. Although it’s very busy we do have our little sanctuary of the balcony, watching the sunset with our music and incense wafting over us – until 7pm that is when all of the bars turn up their music. I don’t think my Indian Sitar music can compete with Korean karaoke and the Venga boys – So incense and Barbie girl it is!

Getting away from the madness and going for a massage – now in my time I’ve seen a few massage couches but these ones are something else, they are like a kitchen table with a mattress on top – lets just go with it. After climbing on, they moved mine so they could easily walk around it, I was just waiting for Richards to move… because he is heavier, it took a bit more effort. As they dragged his kitchen table with him on top I don’t know what was louder, the sound of the legs dragging across the floor or him shouting “Whaoo” as he was unexpectedly catapulted towards the curtain.

The usual conversations ensued “where are you from? Are you on holiday? What is wrong with you, you have no bones! And their favourite “Do you have babies?” followed by the face of disappointment when you say no….Oh please don’t pity me I’ve just come back from 5 weeks in India, I’m going to France in 2 months time & I’ll be back in the Outback before Ant & Dec have a chance to say their first “I’m a celebrity Get me Out of Here!” Sometimes, life has more to offer than pushing a head out of your whoha.

Oh joy, time to make it back to the shit-hole – now as you know we are fond of a room change or two but never a hotel change, neither of us could face going back to the BW hell hole so time to find a new hotel in the Old City, just in time for the Birthday girl to celebrate – in whatever & wherever is open as its Easter weekend and everything except the church is closed…church it is then and anyone who knows me will know this is not somewhere I’m comfortable in – in fact I get a nervous laugh when I get within 10 feet of one. So there I am, unable to swing a dead rat without hitting Jesus or a cross trying my hardest to not say something to offend – best just leave and find somewhere to eat tonight.

In a nutshell, we found a restaurant with a buffet who’s vegetarian options were plain noddles or a banana, just when you think ‘fine birthday this has been’ out comes the owner who said she’d make us a veggie curry if we’d stay and we can watch their cabaret for free. Ok, so it turned out to be the most surreal night ever – the cabaret being a mixture of the King & I, told be someone dressed like Huckleberry Finn, Richard almost having his ankles broken by someone banging sticks, an impromptu birthday cake and ending up on the stage saying “give me your biggest hat to wear!” Yes there was some wine involved too.

I nearly forgot, we passed Jesus on the way home but I think he’d had too much holy wine and fallen off his cross.

So yet again a birthday to remember…roll on the next one!

One last thing, in all my years I’ve never seen anyone re-heat food with a hairdryer, everything is attached to a stick including the massive amount of Korean tourists and they have the oldest buskers known to man, so much so they have to take a nap halfway through their songs!