Off to pastures new…well not for the first couple of days as we’re back in Dubai to break the journey, it was either that or occupy ourselves in Dubai airport for 9 hours – how pleased was I we chose this option, it was worth it purely for the man with the little toe alone, but I’ll come to that later.
We hurtled through the streets of Dubai almost all of the time on 2 wheels whilst testing the drivers ability to do a emergency stop – thankfully it was only a 15 minute ride…if you’d been in Disney you would have queued for 2 hours for that. So the following morning we thought it better & safer to get on the Metro.
How complicated can a Metro ride be?
Map? – Check
Day Ticket? – Check
Correct Platform? – Check
Correct carriage? – ah now that’s where the complications started.
After jumping on the first carriage and pulling out of the station we were promptly told by some woman “you will have to get out of here at the next station and change carriages – this one is not for you!” So after looking puzzled at each other we then see the “gold pass” sign on the wall. How did she know it didn’t apply to us? Could it have something to do with the raggedy arse Indian bag I’ve dragged with me or the 3 years of stains that are on Richards crocs?
So be it – next station change carriages – ah still not that easy…next carriage “Women only”, next one “Women & Children only”, next one “Disabled”. So eventually we found a carriage which allowed you to have a cock, be over 16, have all of your limbs and didn’t have to have a piece of gold plastic in your purse…Happy days continue the journey.
I’m thinking you’re wondering where the man with the little toe comes into it…well he was on the Metro, it took me 3 stops to stop staring at it…now I know I’m not one to talk with my feet but seriously he had a weird middle toe, it was half the size of his other toes either side, it wasn’t like it had been chopped off, it had a nail on and everything – I nearly did tap him on the shoulder and say “I’m sorry your in the wrong carriage, the disabled one is next carriage up” but I settled for taking a picture of it instead.
Well we tootled around Dubai without a fear of loosing each other as we were like two little queue balls, me with my yellow head & Richards grey. Weird thing was there were no children anywhere, it was as if the child catcher had been along with his lollipops and rounded them all up, either that or they were all stuck on the women & children only carriages on the Metro.
Anyway – as I was owed a birthday party tea due to the fact we spent my whole day flying, tonight was the night! Richard’s suggestion was to go to the hotel bar for a couple of drinks (the only place in Dubai to get a one!), as there was music and a live band on and a bite to eat. So after checking with the man on the door what music they played “restaurant music?” that sounds fine. We ordered a pint and half and settled down with my sole intention to eat my body weight in the free popcorn and olives after noticing the half of Heineken was £5.00.
The look of disbelief came over both our faces when the “restaurant music” started with “My life’s a bag of shit”, followed by “She’s a F***ing C**t” working up to the crescendo “My Shit Shines” (seriously Google them!). Well this is a different party tea than I’m used to, I usually just get Mam singing Happy Birthday with a plate of chocolate crunchies.
And then to the live band! I’m thinking Germany’s entry into the Eurovision Song Contest have come here to practice. Its going from the sublime to the ridiculous when they started playing The Shadows – Richard, love him, is the only person clapping along…I think he has a free pass to the disabled carriage tomorrow. Oooh great DJ Tourettes is back on and it was as if he knew it was my birthday as his parting song was “My balls are big…Happy Birthday!” Now this isn’t even taking into account the dancers that came onto the stage to dance between the microphone stands, which Richard thought (or hoped) they were strippers but there was no way their leggings were going to pull over the porn star heels they had on, or the Hookers…yes we passed those on the way out too!
Why, I hear you say is this bit called “the real benefits of yoga?” Well we all know about the flexibility, detoxing blah, blah blah – its really for that moment that you are squatting over a hole in the ground trying to pee whilst your trouser legs are rolled up, trousers pulled down…And forwards trying to keep your eyes on your wee just in case there’s a stray trickle heading towards a shoe or foot and you have to do a sudden but controlled movement left or right, not even taking into account if the door doesn’t lock then you are using your head to keep it closed…now that’s balance!
next instalment soon…
Middle Seat Passenger 