Category: India

And so to Goa…or “soft” India and it certainly is in comparison to the lunacy of Mumbai!

Guess what?  I’m allowed to book accommodation again as I surpassed myself with lovely Jojolapa in Agonda – the bathroom is even bigger than our entire room in Mumbai, it has a garden in it!!!

Gold star for Rachel.

This is for our relaxing part of the holiday – relaxation lasted all of 36 hours before we hired a moped so we can get out and about.  Needless to say after my previous experience in trying to ride a bike I am firmly sitting on the back…navigating…kind of? We take a ride out to Patnem, or we would have if I’d told Richard to turn right instead of left…Cola beach it is then!  Now to say the road (I say that in the loosest sense of the word) was challenging is an understatement, I just kept saying the encouraging words to Richard like “you’re doing really well”, “you’re such a good driver”, “its fine, just take your time just take it slow” when really all I could hear was my mothers words ringing in my ears saying “Well no wonder you fell off the bike, have you seen the state of the road? – don’t come crying to me when you want some TCP on all of those scratches!” (yes I grew up in the 70’s/80’s TCP was the answer to everything).

Anyhow, Richard is a brilliant driver and we made it there and back in one piece and it was definitely worth turning left for.  Patnem another day!

Time to take a trip out to Palolem…Turn RIGHT! and try to find the family we met 16 years ago, such a sweet family who welcomed us, not only into their home, but also took us to his Mams where we cooked on the floor (exactly what I’d wished for before our first trip).  So, off on the search for Vitthal & Taru, we had a vague recollection of where their house used to be but Palolem is so built up now it was a bit of guess work, then a breakthrough when asking in one of the restaurants, they say that they think they have a shop at the end of the main street.  Off we go crawling, like a couple of stalkers along the street on the bike only to see a head pop out from under several scarfs and skirts with a puzzled face shouting “Richard, Richard – it is you!”  It’s Vitthals younger brother, Sanji, he greets us with the biggest hug and says “My brother, he will be so happy you are here, every year he walks up and down the beach with your photograph crying and asking people is Richard staying here? Have you seen him?”  Seriously, I think Richard was one step away from having his face on an Indian milk carton from the sounds of it!

“So, where is Vitthal?” we ask “ah…he’s not here – he is away in Karnataka, it’s not far, its only 20 hours on the sleeper bus!”  Thankfully, we can avoid that journey as he is coming back to Goa before we leave.  Sanji then updates us on all of the family, how they are doing and produces the photographs we sent them back in 2003 when we were all together.  “ahh look Richard your hair is different” Sanji says then “Rachel…you…you’re a little fatter now!”  Nothing like a bit of Indian honesty to stop you ordering the Nan bread.

We’ll return in a few days as they are closing the shop for the day to celebrate Holi.

The Hindu festival of Holi arrives (the festival where everyone throws coloured power and water on each other) signifying the end of winter and the start of Spring.  Our coverings of coloured powder were a more tasteful design done by Mani, one of the Jojolapa waiters, pretty coloured stripes on our faces, unfortunately for Richard he looked less like an Indian festival go’er and more like a gay version of Rambo.  One good dunk in the sea and his Rambo stripes had disappeared

We make our way back along to Palolem to celebrate Holi with the family in true Indian moped style…driver – Tick, passenger – tick, bag on your back – tick, water bottle – tick, celebration cake in an oversized box – tick! not one hand spare to hold on incase we hit a pot hole (and there are a few)

A lovely lunch with a lovely family, it’s amazing how little some people have but they want to share it with you.

In true British style we return back to Agonda gasping for a cup of tea so we stop en-route to buy some bigger cups…”Oooh look at those lovely hand painted mugs, we’ll have 2 of those” so after unwrapping the plastic from around them it becomes obvious why they were wrapped up in the first place…they stink! and thats before the boiling water is inside.  They are made of tin and as they’ve been painted with enamel paint its like drinking out of a hot radiator.

Now, I haven’t mentioned the additional lodgers we have gained at our hut, “the perfect 4 pack” 4 gorgeous beach dogs who have decided we are their new temporary owners, that is until we get up for yoga one morning and someone has left us a little present of poo on the mat.  So for the rest of the day they have all been sent to the naughty step until we find out which one it was – Yes Richard wanted the CCTV evidence – it comes to something when reception has the time to watch 8 hours of footage to find out who was the guilty dog!  Low and behold it wasn’t one of them, it was Baboo, the restaurant pug who will hump anything and everything he can get near to.  Normal service is resumed and Richard, feeling guilty that he’d blamed the perfect 4 pack, comes back from the shop with an ice cream for each of them…Baboo, watch and weep you’re getting Nothing!

Over the last few days the temperatures and humidity have been rapidly rising so time for the resort to put up some parasols on the beach.  Best do it at night for 2 reasons –

1. it’s cooler
2. the majority of the guests will miss the fact that the chef has come out of the  kitchen (still wearing his hair net) and is using his soup ladle to dig the holes!

Think I’ll give tomorrow’s daal a miss.

Now as it’s almost my 46th birthday it’s time to have a little pedicure pamper at the same time as Richard is having a massage.  Now I’ve mentioned before how famous Agonda is for having power cuts and today is no exception – so you just have to imagine how hot it is in the metal shipping container which doubles as the “therapy centre” not to mention its pitch black as the girl brings out the tray of nail varnishes it’s pot luck what colour I’m getting as I can’t see a hand in front of me – she , at least can see enough to cut my toe nails and scrape off the hard skin.  Unfortunately, all of the toe clippings are pinging underneath the curtain where Richard is having his massage, its going to be like stepping onto a bed of pork scratchings when he gets up.  All done and into the light…nail varnish result – I ended up with Easyjet orange! Unfortunately, that same night when walking along the beach I stepped in a big pile of cow shit – maybe it will bring me good luck?

Birthday has arrived  – off to early morning yoga and then Richard has arranged a boat as a surprise which is taking us around to some of the smaller beaches which the moped can’t get to.  On the way we see a beautiful big turtle and dolphins (so lovely to see them in their natural environment), its then off for a little shop, sunbathe and ready for dinner with another surprise of a lovely birthday cake and the crescendo of the evening…Baboo, right in front of us, licking one of our perfect 4 packs cocks, then climbing aboard and going like the clappers.  Well gay dog sex wasn’t the birthday entertainment I was expecting, a simple Happy Birthday song would have done!

There is so much on this holiday that has made us say “What?” “you can’t be serious?” just in the short time we’ve been here…

Buying petrol on the side of the road out of empty water bottles to fill the moped…

Going to buy a bottle of wine and you can buy eggs and a toilet seat in the same place…

 

You’re given mosquito repellant with your glass of wine…

In the airport you can buy a Pot Noodle (in the Indian equivalent of WH Smiths) then boil the kettle to make it right outside…

AND… the only dog in our “Perfect 4 pack” who still has his 2 balls is called Tony…3 guesses what Richards middle name is?…

 

Namaste Pet xxx

p.s Yes we did go back to see Vitthal

 

AND…guess who else I saw…”who is STILL making sense”  Namaste Sudhir x

 

Ok, so here we are we’ve finally reached our last few days of what now feels like a whirlwind 4 weeks.

Even though the last 20 minutes of the recent meditations have been spent listening for the crunch of the stones on that bloody hill telling us that the chai man is on his way with biscuits and bananas it’s been worth sitting there every moment.
So, for the last couple of meditations Sudhir has passed the baton over to the other teachers, right up until the very last day I have tried to do the meditation thing and our last 2 were very different.

Henrik, to be honest I might have had a sneaky 40 winks in yours but that was only because you let us lie down.
Rowie, ahh what can I say? Well quite a bit as it happens. So here starts our very last meditation, starts like any other regular morning meditation…sit quietly…focus and look within…then it changed. She said “place your hands in your lap, palms facing up and I’m going to put something in your hands”, as Sam was coughing her guts up next to me, normally due to the burning shit everyday (I do literally mean that, shite, left over food, tyres, pretty much anything they can lay their hands on they burn all day, everyday) this trip hasn’t done her lungs any good. Anyway, I think she was hoping for a cough sweet or some kind of horse tranquilliser just to knock her out once and for all – Alas not so lucky.
We were then told to keep our eyes closed and feel it…she’s given us rabbit shit – all I could think of was where the hell has she found this, I’ve never seen any – unless it’s from the rats or the squirrels? Then she said ” can you feel how dry and wrinkly it is” Seriously, have you been speaking to Blossom and this is her subtle hint to go for that bloody facial again?
Then it twigged – it’s raisins/sultanas, I swear Rowie if you don’t pull out a Dairy Milk and some nuts next out of your bag I’m going to be bitterly disappointed – then taste it – sorry still could get the rat shit out of my brain – then taste another – Rowie I love you, but 1 is more than enough when all you can picture is you picking them up off the side of the road…I know she didn’t but once your brain is there it’s hard to switch it off – Oooooohhhhh Chai Man!

Working progress this meditation thing!

So to the final couple of days and it was our turn to teach each other for one last time, yep glossing over this stage as you’re always tougher on yourself as to how you’ve performed and not great at taking any kind of compliments.
Needless to say the girls in my group were amazing, Armelle – my right leg will never be the same!
And Micha it took all of my powers not to have a little bit of an old lady wee holding my laugh in when you said, in your beautiful Czech accent, “Hold still your focus”, I could have sworn you said “Hold still you Fockers” and then every time you said it I had to clench a little more.

Just one last stage – final test and feedback form, a few more people are leaving with carpal tunnel after filling in the feedback form…you have no idea – it took longer than the test!

Yippee, all done and the last couple of hours on the beach before graduation and home time and just as I was settling down a lovely little dog decided to sit next to me and then had a wee right next to my towel, I swear he even looked at me and smiled.
So, my lasting memories of Agonda beach are beautiful white sand, warm sea and the very present whiff of piss.

Our last evening was graduation (yep I even passed the final exam even though my brain is at saturation point and realised that I can no longer spell the most simplest of words), pictures on the beach, farewell dinner and a few mojitos to say a fond farewell.

So looking back, what will I miss?
The breathtaking sunsets, sharing the beach with cows, dogs, horses and monkeys and thinking that’s normal, sitting on my veranda writing these blogs, the challenge that each day brings and last but not least the friends I have made, we’ve laughed (a lot), cried, rolled our eyes at each other, learnt from each other and been taught by amazing teachers.

What I won’t miss
Mutant mosquitos, power cuts, haggling (completely done with that now), washing my clothes in a bin and lack of pavements even a piece of road without cow shit on would have been good.

So just when you think the madness is all over, as you’re heading home and transiting through Doha airport, Karma gets involved and it was most definitely working in my favour (or so I thought). Arriving at the lounge the lovely lady said “I’m sorry the transit lounge is full would it be ok if you go to the first class lounge instead”, don’t mind if I do!

However, sometimes you live to regret these decisions because within 30 minutes someone had sat opposite me told me that the earth is probably not round, maybe oblong or some other shape, George Bush should be shot, David Ike knew what he was talking about, the pyramids were built with help from people from the future and how you shouldn’t wash your skin just your private bits!  That was a lot of information to take in less time than it took me to eat a croissant and have a coffee – Karma can be a bitch sometimes.

I should have stayed with Pudsey and the arsehole slide man! Time to leave!

Bet you thought I’d forgotten – how could I?

As some of you know philosophy and spiritual teaching isn’t really my bag and I can’t even say after a month that has changed, however, that being said the philosophy lessons have been invaluable on a personal level, just to reflect inwards to look at your reactions to situations and the priorities you place on what sometimes are mindless things (I really wanted to say shite but I’m trying to be more mindful).

Finally, to sum up…a quote from our Sudhir:
“Human qualities are more important than knowledge, if you want to be an excellent teacher be an excellent human being”

Who needs Google Guru when we have him.

Sudhir – you have made perfect sense x

For one final time, Namaste x

Yippee day off time = time to get some sunshine

To everyone who said “you’ll come back so skinny and brown”, the only bit of sunshine you get to see during the week is walking between your cottage to the yoga Shala (up a god awful hill I might add which isn’t getting any easier as the weeks go by) and from the Shala to the dining area – where I’m eating like a pig – so neither of those prophecies are remotely going to come true. So time to make the most of it today.

 

A gorgeous morning to walk along the beach passing the cows, monkeys and horse – yes you read right – on its own, not with anyone just having a little wander so it would be rude not to take pictures. Just as I’ve settled for a lovely sunbathe I feel a tap on my shoulder from a random Indian man “Can I take a selfie?” My puzzled look must have said a lot as he said again “I have camera phone can I have a selfie?” – my only conclusion from this bizarre encounter was, just as I had taken photos of the cows and monkeys as its not the normal thing you see on a beach maybe neither is a small, white Geordie girl with big knockers?

So after a chilled couple of hours time for a quick change and a wander. First things first – proper bra on, for what seems like an eternity I’ve been in a sports bra so it’s such a relief to have them lifted up and separated again instead of squished together into a “Uniboob” (pretty much resembling one of the cows on the beach really!). I did say before I left if I hadn’t bought my Christmas presents before I left I was getting them here, so you’ll be pleased to know that there was no end of people shouting out “come and look in my shop” see what shite I have for you to take home (OK so added the last part but I’m almost certain that they secretly think it) So I did & I have…Happy Crappy Christmas!

So, back to Monday and things are starting to break a little bit, my wrist, my knee thankfully I have brought numerous supports with me so I look a bit like a Velcro walking wounded, the only problem with the supports being Velcro is everything tends to stick to you so by the end of the day it looked like I had one of those suits on that you throw sticky balls at as I was stuck to my own leggings and attached myself to both my mat and a towel.
Not to mention the sweet scent of Volterol with a hint of mosquito repellent that was lingering behind me.

“All Change day Tuesday” – starting with Mantra meditation now I thought this would be easier a you’re repeating a mantra over and over again instead of sitting quietly, no such luck. I’m convinced the Numbskulls* in my brain thought “ooooh great she’s distracted so it’s Riverdance time” – this one is still a working progress.
Then just before practice, all change again…”Move your mat to a different place” (now as most of you know, I am a fan of moving your mat around, if only to piss off the old people in the class as you’ve taken Betty’s space!)…Sometimes I do wonder how such an argumentative and aggravating person ever got into yoga, but then just think what I’d be like without it! Anyway I digress, so I moved to the front, Wow what a beautiful view from the front row, lush green tree tops, the sunshine glistening over the ocean and a dog having a shit on the roof! (It’s a flat roof it’s not that clever).
You’re right Rowie – change is good!

And so to the cleansing day, Neti pot morning – all about cleansing the nasal passages by what can only be described as a very teeny tiny Aladdin’s lamp, warm water, salt and patience (you can see where this ones going already!). So, the idea is you pour the water into one nostril and it comes out of the other in a little trickle of water.

1st try – OK so my fault I forgot to keep my mouth open and then wondered why I couldn’t breathe.

2nd try – Mouth open – tick, pouring water, still pouring water, still pouring water..no trickle, half the pot had gone still no trickle now it was at this point I was wondering where the hell it was going to, then I found out – straight down the back of my throat. Now, no matter what any man says a salty taste in the bad of your mouth is definitely not good. – Working progress with this one too (the Neti pot not the salty taste!)

So now we’re at our 1/2 way Silent day…yes all day, no talking, no eye contact, no reading, no internet, no music. Now as some of you know I don’t come from the quietest of families so the thought of staying quiet for a few hours is challenge enough let alone for a full day. So Mams suggestion was to do a jigsaw?!? Firstly, not allowed…and I wasn’t sure where the hell she thought I was going to find a jigsaw anyway so her second suggestion was to make one out of something! I’m not entirely sure that Sampoorna would have been very happy if I cut up one of their pictures hanging in my room into tiny pieces, stuck it all back together again with sellotape and then back into its frame, just so it kept me amused. So the final suggestion was we’ll send you a picture telepathically and see if you can see it! – this is not going to end well.

By breakfast I wasn’t sure if I was going slightly mad already as I found myself swooshing the tea leaves in the bottom of my cup and trying to read them…maybe these are clues to the crazy Tait picture they’re sending???

So the day was surprisingly enjoyable, very chilled, little bit of writing and sat on the rocks watching the sea & the sunset having a little chat in my head with my Dad. Perfect.

OK, so back to the picture, telepathy is definitely not a skill of the Taits, I had an owl sitting at a table with a Sunday dinner (I kind of think I’m just craving Yorkshire puddings) and Sara, a Buffalo with a clowns hat & a drum – so not remotely close, maybe we need to start designing for Doha airport? but apparently the psychic side has kicked in…but I can’t say why!!!
(I might still hold off buying a head scarf and and hoop earring for the time being)

 

 

Now, don’t get me wrong it hasn’t been all baby unicorns & butterflies this week, over the last 2 days I’ve had a mid-class mini breakdown (snot & everything), when talking about reincarnation & death, then Henrik almost tipped me over the edge at the end of Savasana the following day.
I came very close to testing out Sudhirs explanation of gravity.

So finally to Sweet Sudhir, he was talking us through the Indian philosophy of how the World was created, their temples and the idea of selfless actions and giving. He is truly becoming our own Indian version of Stephen Hawking (minus the wheelchair and the Metal Mickey* voice).

So basically you are the centre of the temple and there are 9 entrances to the temple reflecting the 9 holes we have in our body (bet you’ve already started to count them!) I might add in my body some of those holes are most definitely “exit only”. You take offerings to the temple, such as food, fruit, flowers or nothing at all then everything is shared out amongst everyone so basically if you’ve taken f*** all you could come up trumps and if you’ve taken a monster picnic your day could end up like a really shitty day on Saturday Swap shop* either way you are to be grateful, shitty swap or not.

Here’s to another beautiful day off.

Namaste xxx

* for anyone who hasn’t heard of the Numbskulls, Metal Mickey or Saturday Swap shop you’ve missed out big style not growing up in the UK in the 70’s / 80’s

 

 

I can’t quite believe that it’s almost 5 years since I found out I had a “scared triangle” and where I can and can’t put it! So, it can only mean one thing, it’s time for me to take it away again and go back into my yoga bubble for the next month and a bit.

Now I’m not entirely sure how a large carrier bag of clothes can turn into a 26kg heavy as hell wheelie bag but is has and on leaving Newcastle I was doing really well until Sara (my sister) tried to break me by shouting across the car park…”Rachel…Love you” now I’m not to sure if she thought I was going to get mugged or kidnapped whilst I was here (OK so both did nearly happen the last time) so she wanted her last words to me to be good ones. She might change her mind when she opens her Anniversary card in a couple of week time – yes I’m still in my phase of sending inappropriate cards.

So no airport experience can be complete without someone (not me) having a glass of wine regardless of what the time is…Seriously it’s 4.45am how can you have a glass of wine and a bacon sandwich, you’re in Newcastle for Gods sake, it’s not like your body clock is on a different time zone and hell you’re pensioners so I’m assuming you haven’t come straight here from clubbing!

First stop Doha, nice but weird airport. Poor Pudsey Bear has had his scarf taken away and a German helmet plonked on his head and as for the children’s play area it consisted of a big metal person lying on his side, the slide started from the top of his head and you came out through a huge hole in his arsehole! That’s a seriously disturbed mind whoever came up with that bright idea.

Now as you know I’m normally the one stuck in the middle seat but hip hip hooray not today! I’m not entirely sure the woman next to me got the memo about the arm rests and personal space though, she was sticking her phone in front of the window taking photos of nothing and watching my TV (no idea what that was all about) at this point I wished porn was one of the channel options and it might stop her sticking her head in front of my face. Now I can hear you say why didn’t you just tell her…she was Russian so I was a little bit scared.

Finally to Goa at 2.30am, I kind of forgot how crazy and dark it is so we had 90 minutes of weaving across the road, in the space of 3 minutes we narrowly missed a dog, man on moped with no lights on, police barrier, herd of cows and then a truck…a big truck…flashing his lights…on the wrong side of the road, that one did warrant a breath in and hold it. Lastly a cow still attached to his fence panel sitting in the middle of the road – I dare say, you would you be too if you’d had to drag a fence panel tied around your neck from God knows where. This one was unavoidable so the taxi man had to break the fence so we could get on our way. I’ll never complain about a pigeon in the road again.

 

 

Arriving at the hotel, OK so we’re back to a bucket and a tap for a shower but at least you get a toilet roll and a table cloth as your bed sheet – happy days. So, Fatimas guest house – the noisiest hotel ever, between them drilling and hammering not the most peaceful start to the trip – you imagine India to be swaying palm trees with the smell of incense and spices in the air, not at Fatimas…it’s was rickety ladders and the smell of gloss paint and turps.

Hopefully when I move to Sampoorna Yoga in the next 2 days I will find my little piece of Goan heaven, well that’s the plan at least.

Ok, so we eventually come to the first morning of the course, everyone is asked to wear white, you get a beautiful garland as you arrive at the Yoga Shala and all sit quietly in a circle overlooking the tree tops to the ocean, then they start making a fire in the centre. Now I can’t say that I knew exactly what the hell was going on (I do now, I’ve read the book) but at the time all I could really think of was “there’s a lot of nylon and fringing in this circle” so I did do a little shuffle backwards just to be on the safe side, I am technically a Walsh after all and we all know how that can work out.

 

 

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life, so a potted history of it goes like this:

First few days of 3 -4 hours of yoga per day I was convinced that the teachers had a sweep stake on who’s legs would buckle first, then came “Rocket yoga” no nothing to do with Elton John, even though we do have our every own Rocket man, all of our faces just kept saying “give me a break, you want me do to what?!?”
Away from the crazy (or so I thought), was our morning of self practice – 2 hours to just bring your focus to your own mat, your own body and your practice – Remember 2 hours, it’s like Billy Connolly once said “you don’t start work on a Monday morning going hell for leather, you get a cup of tea, scratch your arse then think about doing something”.
So that was going to be my philosophy, not the crazy person next to me who, from the get go, was bouncing around and just when I’d gotten used to that the sex sounds started! I have never been so grateful when those 2 hours were over…I’m moving mats next time.

Following on from that was the Metronome practice (no not like the ones in the Metro centre at Christmas) however if I could have shipped one of those costumes over I could have dropped that bouncing girl into it and it might have muffled the noises a bit and then onto Yang / Yin class, I can only imagine this is what it’s like being on cocaine so I’m not entirely sure why people pay a fortune for the drug when all they need to do is pay £10 and just go to one of these yoga classes instead.

Last but by no means least, Sudhir our meditation & philosophy teacher. At the welcome meeting we were all told “prepare to fall in love” and I think we all have, just a little bit. Imagine the most gentle Indian man with the softest of voices, he keeps saying “Am I making sense?” (You really have to say this with the Indian accent and with the slow indian head wobble to get the full effect). When talking about the Bhagavad Gita (one of the philosophy books we had to read) he said “there was a War”, then paused and said ” I have tried for along time to say that word properly, how do you pronounce it?” As he glanced around the Shala and paused at me I just thought “Seriously, you don’t want to be asking for elocution lessons from a Geordie…keep your eye gaze going”. I’m still not entirely sure we sorted that one out for him.

Finally, my nemesis, mediation and breathing now I know you’re thinking “breathing? you do it everyday…what’s so hard about that?” Well it is…well it is if you do it the yoga way, different breathing for different moods, intentions etc. etc. Take naadi shodhana or alternate nostril breathing, meant to clear the nasal passages and free blocked energy channels, you have to use your right hand only, close the right side with the thumb do something with your middle fingers to keep them out of the way and use the ring finger on the left side. – I know, it’s complicated to even explain never mind do. So we’re all sitting silently, eyes closed ready to start and here I am, thumb was in the right place but the rest of the fingers didn’t know where the hell to go, I was trying sneakily to look around the room with just one eye open to see what everyone else was doing then I thought “what the hell I’ll just do it my way” it was at this point I realised I was flipping the bird to Sudhir and bless him he came over and said “do you need a little help?” – I think he did that before I was let loose, did it elsewhere and offend an entire nation!

 

Yeah…so we’ve reached Sunday (told you it’s been a long week), DAY OFF TIME!!!!!
However, no matter how much you try to have a lye in you’re still wide awake at 6am. Never mind, by 0730 all of my washing was done and hanging over the balcony – there’s only so many times you can sniff your leggings to see if they’ll last for another afternoon!

Namaste xxx

p.s. This isn’t my washing for the entire week, just 2 days, I’m not that scruffy!